Into the Blue Page 17
My heart pounds painfully inside my chest and my eyes fill with tears.
“When she broke my arm CPS took me away from her for good.”
I let out a strangled breath. How could a mother do that to her child? I imagine a dark-haired little boy with piercing blue eyes cowering in the corner. I cry quiet tears, shaking my head with disbelief. “How could she do that to you?”
He walks around the table and wipes the tears from my face. “It was a long time ago. I’m okay.”
I shake my head and look up at him. “But you’re not okay.”
“No,” he admits, and my heart glugs heavily inside my chest. “There are parts of me that are broken, Makayla. Parts I don’t know how to fix. Parts I don’t think can be fixed.”
“You don’t know that,” I say, blinking up at him desperately. “You aren’t anything like her. You’re good and kind.”
He creases his eyebrows and rubs his thumb across my cheek. “You deserve so much more than what I can give. A future with kids whose father is as great as the mother I know you’ll be.”
“You’re just afraid,” I say firmly. “I’m afraid too.” I swallow down a sob that climbs up my throat. “I’m afraid that if I do survive this, I won’t want to live my life without you.”
His face twists up, but he wraps me in his arms and holds me close. “I love you, Makayla,” he says quietly, and I exhale a relieved breath that does little to ease the dread that seems imminent. “But you can’t give up the things you want, the things you deserve, because you’re afraid.”
I close my eyes and whisper, “Neither can you.”
Chapter 14
Makayla
The sun is bright when I wake, too bright for my sensitive eyes. They ache at the touch. Worry and sorrow fight for their place in line as I look around my empty room and calculate the days Kellan has been gone.
Three days.
With no word of his return...or of Derek and Callie’s safety.
My fragile heart aches and fresh tears leak onto my cheeks. I’m going to lose them all. I get up and walk across the hall to his room.
“Makayla, are you okay?” Mia asks when she sees me.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I lie. I push Kellan’s door open and my heart splinters when I see his tightly made bed. I push the mosquito net out of the way and lie down on it, accepting that he might never return...that I might never see his face again. Tears flow from my eyes and fall onto his pillow.
“Makayla,” Mia says from the doorway, and I hear the concern in her voice.
“He’ll come back,” Adam says over her shoulder, but he has no more reason to believe that than I do.
“He was supposed to be back yesterday.” Something’s happened.
Adam walks in and sits on the bed beside me. “Did Kellan ever tell you how I got this?” he asks, pointing to the scar that runs through his eyebrow.
I shake my head. “No.”
He nods thoughtfully and explains, “A house crumbled on top of me after a blast went off that killed half my squad.”
“I’m sorry,” I say, feeling a fresh wave of emotion.
“I was lucky.” He smiles softly and points to his eye. “I got this, another one on my arm”—he turns his arm over to show me a large scar—“and a broken leg.”
“Adam.”
“I laid under that rubble for hours, breathing in the hot dust, passing in and out from the pain, and then freezing in the cold when night came. I knew it was too dangerous for my unit to return—they wouldn’t be able to search for me until the next day. And I knew I could survive my injuries, but the mental pain was much more difficult to manage.”
“What did you do?”
“Luckily, I didn’t have to wait until morning.”
“Someone found you?”
“Kellan.”
My eyes fill with tears.
“As soon as he heard what happened, he came looking for me. He got in a lot of trouble for it too. But he didn’t care. He wouldn’t leave me there all night.”
I wrap my hand around his and cry quietly.
“See, that’s the thing about Kellan. His family isn’t blood, but he protects it just the same. We’re his family, Makayla. Me, you, Derek. The people he’ll always be there for. Right now, Derek needs him. But Kellan won’t leave you here. He’ll come for you.”
I nod and ask, “You really think he’s okay?”
“I believe he’s okay, yes.” As he says it, I see doubt flash across his face, and it cuts deep into my heart.
“Thanks, Adam,” I say, but I can’t look at him. He’s Kellan’s best friend and if he needs to believe that he’s okay, I won’t take that from him.
He stands up and joins Mia, who’s still standing in the doorway. She puts her hand on Adam’s back as he turns to leave, and I wonder if that wasn’t the first time she’s heard that story.
“I’ll come check on you later,” she says, closing the door, and I cry into Kellan’s pillow until it’s wet beneath my cheek, saturated with tears that fall mercilessly from my swollen eyes.
When morning turns to afternoon, and there’s still no sign of Kellan, I get up and close the blinds. I close the mosquito net around the bed and retreat back into the darkness that’s no longer confined to the far-reaching corners of my mind. Without Kellan here to keep it at bay, it flows freely through my veins, consuming my heart and flooding my mind with everything that happened since the moment Marc Spencer walked into his office and saw me standing with Jessica, holding an incriminating document in my hand.
I fall back asleep, but my dreams are no less disturbing than the nightmares that haunt me when I’m awake.
Bright sunshine sparkles off the smooth surface of the ocean. The clear water is unmoving and quiet. I look down at my feet against the ocean floor. I flick my foot up and sand swirls around my legs. I watch it slowly settle back to the bottom and something catches my eye—a bright blue starfish with long, skinny arms that snake slowly toward my foot. I reach below the surface and carefully pick it up. It clings to my hand as I flex my fingers beneath its tentacles. So pretty. I turn my hand over and smile at the beautiful creature as it moves gracefully across my fingers. But suddenly, it changes color, from blue to black, and I stare at it curiously as it shrivels in my palm. I gasp and drop the desiccated creature back into the ocean.
My eyes flick open and I blink away the upsetting dream, but it doesn’t offer relief. Asleep, awake...I can’t escape the painful truth. Kellan is gone. And that means Derek and Callie are too. I close my eyes and grip my shirt over my heart, trying to rub away the ache in my chest, but nothing could ease this pain. Nothing will ever be able to ease this pain.
I stare at the clock, which cruelly reminds me of the passing time. Each minute without Kellan feels like an eternal hour. Each hour, like the longest day. I curl my knees up and clutch his pillow, desperate to go back to sleep.
* * *
“Makayla,” Mia whispers, shaking me. “You have to get up.”
“Why? What’s going on? Did you hear from Kellan?”
“No.” She presses her lips together and shakes her head. “But there’s a storm coming. A big one. We have to get ready.”
Adrenaline spikes through me, the first thing I’ve felt in days. I sit up quickly and the room spins. I grab Mia’s arm.
“You okay?”
“Just dizzy.”
“That’s what happens when you don’t eat for two days.”
“What do you need me to do?” I ask, ignoring her.
“Well, first you need to get a shower. And then you need to eat something. And if you’re up to it after that, maybe you could help us board up the windows.”
“What kind of storm is it?”
“A category one hurricane. It’s not the worst, but we need to be prepared.”
“Okay.”
“Jason and Adam have already started at the clinic. And later, we’re going to go check on the people in the village and see if th
ey need any help.”
“Okay.” I’ve seen my share of hurricanes, growing up on the gulf coast, and I know what they can do. A small part of me feels anxious, but another part hopes it will sweep me away. “When is it supposed to hit?”
“Tonight.”
“Tonight? How long have you known about it?”
“A couple of days. It wasn’t supposed to come this way, but it changed course last night and now we’re in the path.”
“Shit, Mia.”
“I know. I’m trying not to freak out, but I’m a California girl. We worry about earthquakes, not hurricanes.”
“It’ll be fine. I’ve been through a few of them in Houston. Category one...that’s what, seventy-five mile an hour winds?”
“Yes, that’s what they said on the broadcast.”
“Well, it’s good that we’re up a little ways from the shore. The storm surge is usually the worst part.” I look up at the ceiling and muse, “Unless the roof gets blown off.”
Mia’s face drops.
“The roof is not going to blow off,” I assure her. “Probably. I’m guessing there’s no hurricane strapping in the construction.”
“What’s that?”
“Metal rods that are bolted to the foundation and the roof.”
“Are you kidding me?” she shrieks. “This place is like forty years old. I highly doubt there’s hurricane...whatever it’s called.” She looks panicked.
“You know what, it’s cinderblock. We’ll be fine,” I reassure her.
“You’re just trying to calm me down.”
“I am. But seriously, cinderblock houses usually fare the best.”
She nods and pats my leg. “Come on. You’ve got to get up.”
I get up and take a shower, but I don’t have an appetite, much to Mia’s dismay. I’m almost grateful for the distraction of the impending storm, but it’s not nearly as brutal as the one churning inside me.
After we’ve finished our preparations, I sit on the front steps of our boarded-up house by myself, watching a faint spattering of gray clouds move over the choppy ocean. I glance up at the trees, listening for the birds that live in them, but their calls seem quieter than usual. I wonder if it’s the approaching storm or my broken heart they’re mourning.
The stillness is unsettling, making it impossible to ignore the black mercury that’s returned to my veins, pulsing painfully beneath my skin.
I look at the Jeep that’s parked in front of the house. I need to drive. But Adam will never let me go alone. I glance over my shoulder and stand up, then quietly get in and shut the door. I start the engine and head south along the coast until I begin to edge up the cliffs, without looking back.
Maybe it’s the wind on my face or the change of scenery, but something about driving makes me feel better. When the road opens up, I pull over and look at the view. The gray sky is calm, but the ocean is starting to kick up. I pull back onto the road and drive a little farther until I reach the little house nestled in the mangroves.
I laugh softly as I walk up to it, remembering how that stupid rooster scared the shit out of us. And how we laughed until we couldn’t breathe. I take a deep breath as I push the front door open, recalling another memory from that first day here.
I walk over to the sliding glass doors and watch the dark clouds move across the sky over the lagoon, which is unusually choppy. Small waves are lapping the shore and the palm trees are blowing in the wind. It reminds me of the day Kellan taught me how to surf that ended in a storm.
Te quiero.
I close my eyes and imagine Kellan standing next to me. I feel his long fingers tangle with mine, I hear his deep voice whisper my name, I feel his warm breath on my lips, and taste it on my tongue. I open my eyes and the loneliness consumes me.
I push the sliding glass doors open, but pause when I see a handprint on the other side that’s bigger than mine. Kellan. I press my palm against it and my heart squeezes inside my chest when I think of the last time we were here together. I close my eyes and imagine his strong arms wrapped around me and an ocean of blue gazing down at me.
“Please come back,” I whisper.
I open my eyes and stare at the ocean. The late afternoon sun is shrouded behind a wall of dark clouds that have quickly rolled in, but the faintest sparkles of light still tease on the surface under a painted sky of gray and purple. I step outside and the wind gusts and whirls around me, whipping my hair against my face as I cross the weathered deck and walk down the sandy path that leads to the lagoon. The palm trees thrash on either side of me, but I ignore their warning. I kick off my flip-flops and trudge through the shifting sand until I’m at the water’s edge.
I stare at the wall of dark gray, mesmerized by it.
The ocean churns beneath the ominous sky, but I step into the surf anyway, letting the waves crash against me as I walk into the water. I hold my hands out and let it rush over me as I make my way deeper, desperate to stop the darkness I’ve been drowning in since Kellan left. But the fear grows stronger by the second and I no longer have the will to fight it. Without Kellan, I’ll never survive this. Maybe I never survived in the first place. Maybe it really was all a dream. And now, I just want to wake up. I want it to be over.
I’m chest deep when I feel cool raindrops splashing against my face. I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and slowly sink beneath the surface, surrendering to the sea.
The current swirls around me, tugging my hair. It rocks me gently and a sense of calm washes over me, numbing the pain and fear, until I no longer feel it. All I feel is Kellan, unafraid of the ocean, pulling me through the surf and swimming in the deep water. Holding me in the black waves at night under the moon. Making love to me in the shallows under the afternoon sun.
I feel him all around me.
Makayla.
My heart pounds when I hear Kellan’s voice, echoing my name, protecting me from...wherever he is. He would tell me it’s too dangerous to be out here.
Makayla.
My heart aches and rejoices at once. If it brings me closer to him, this is the only place I want to be.
Thunder rumbles loudly, pulling me from my reverie, and my feet find the ocean floor again. When I resurface, it’s raining hard, much harder than before. The waves rock me and spin me around. I squint through the rain and see a glimmer of black moving on the shore that sends a sudden jolt of fear through me, thrusting me back to reality. Someone’s standing on the beach watching me. And it’s not Adam. My skin pricks with panic and the rocking waves make me feel nauseous.
My sorrow muted the rational thought that would have told me it was too dangerous to leave the house on my own. But now it’s too late.
I close my eyes and sink beneath the surface again.
Kellan, I need you.
Chapter 15
Kellan, Two Days Earlier
Makayla is lying on her side, asleep in the bed beside me. The early morning light is washing in behind her, lighting the strands of gold that streak her dark blonde hair. It’s falling around her face and over her shoulder. My eyes follow the dip of her waist and the rise of her hip.
So beautiful.
I place my hand on her swollen belly and she opens her green eyes and smiles. She rolls onto her back and her round stomach rises under my hand. I lean over and kiss it softly.
Kellan...
Kellan...
Kellan!
My eyes flick open and I see Makayla standing in the desert, screaming my name. She looks like a mirage behind the waves of heat that are radiating between us. She’s wearing a long white dress that’s torn and dirty.
“Makayla?”
She’s clutching her stomach and screaming my name. “Kellan!”
I try to go to her, but I can’t move. I can’t speak.
A man steps behind her and wraps his arm around her stomach. She’s screaming my name and crying, and her bare feet are kicking and digging into the sand. He raises a gun to her head.
No!
She stops fighting and looks at me, and tears stream down her face. “I love you, Kellan.”
NO!
He pulls the trigger and the blast wakes me from my dream.
I sit up in my dark hotel room covered in sweat. My heart is pounding and I can feel the blood pulsing behind my ears.
I get dressed and pound on Grant’s door.
He opens it holding his gun. “Jesus, Kellan. What the hell is wrong with you?”
“We have to go find Derek. Now.”
“It’s four o’clock in the morning.”
We had two flight delays yesterday, so we didn’t get into the city until after midnight. But I can’t wait any longer. I need to find Derek and get back to Makayla.
“Are you coming with me or not?”
He exhales an exasperated breath. “Yeah, I’m coming.”
Grant waits in the SUV while I hurry up the steps of a brownstone on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. I knock on the door and less than a minute later, a light flicks on inside and I see a dark shadow moving behind the beveled glass. To my relief, Derek opens the door, but he looks a little mystified to see me standing on his porch.
“Kellan? What the hell are you doing here?” he asks, shocked. He glances over my shoulder and says, “Quick, come inside.”
I follow him in and he closes the door behind us.
“Is Makayla okay?”
I nod over the angst I feel from being separated from her. “Yes, she’s fine. Adam’s with her. We got concerned when your communication with Dr. Hernandez stopped. I got concerned,” I add, shaking my head with frustration and relief. “I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
He blinks at me and bobs his head. “Um, yeah, I’m fine. Well, no, not entirely. Marc is getting paranoid. He’s scrutinizing everything, watching everyone. All of our projects, all of our funding requests. He got curious about the project when I tried to get an extension. I didn’t want to risk him finding out about our arrangement so I decided to stop the calls for a little while. It was only going to be for the one week, until he turned his interest elsewhere, but one week turned to two...he’s been relentless.”